We’ve Got Pain All Wrong

[8 min read]

Pain can mean many different things for each of us, and can include both physical sensations as well as emotional or psychological experiences. In this post I’ll focus on the physical sensation we get when we say ‘my leg hurts’. We all experience pain during our lifetime – no human can avoid it.

Despite how universal pain is, our capacity to describe and communicate about it is generally limited. Even medical professionals often resort to the simplified and useless request to rate our pain from 1-10 as the only measurement or decipherment of pain.

This common practice has been criticised by people with chronic illnesses, pain and disabilities. Some of the arguments against its use is the oversimplification of a complex phenomena that includes our physical, social, emotional and psychological world. Our experience and perception of pain are also influenced by our history, genetic makeup and social circumstances, amongst other factors. It is a multidimensional experience. Also, your 10 out of 10 is different from my 10 out of 10.

Take for instance the pain a birthing person experiences as they push out a baby from their body. It can include intense pressure, cramps, burning, stretching, sharp knives-like pulses and many other sensations. A number on a 1-10 scale does not do this experience justice. We also know that pain perception is impacted by anxiety, how we label the pain, our attitude to it, and many other factors that are often missed in modern Western understanding of pain.

This inadequate language, understanding and communication of pain means the way we respond to it can also be inadequate, ineffective or even harmful. Pain is simply labeled as Bad, and categorised as something that is undesirable, unattractive and unnatural, to be cured if possible, or at least halted.

This idea misses how pain helps us avoid injury, recover from previous traumas and indicate our bodies’ functioning. In some contexts pain is thought of as something to ‘push through’ and ignore in order to reach some external goal, like running a marathon. In cases of chronic pain, like mine, we think of pain again as something to ‘push through’.

The conclusion many of us get to is that pain is nothing to concentrate on – it is too painful to think about our pain, let alone explore it! What we end up doing is neglecting our pain.

We may dissociate to cope with extreme levels of pain, or use alcohol or drugs to numb it.Many of us have been told our pain isn’t so bad, or that it will pass by your wedding day, or worse of all – that it isn’t real. No wonder we have such a fraught relationship with pain.

What’s the issue then?

Having a fraught relationship with pain has an ironic impact on our body, mind, and our overall wellbeing.

Because we fear pain, we often get a stress or even a stress-survival response in our body when it happens. The fight/flight/freeze response that gets triggered by pain generates stress hormones that are damaging to our body in the long term, and prevent us from using our complex thinking capacities.

When in pain our brain is yelling DANGER DANGER DANGER at pain signals that may not by themselves be so dangerous.

When we’re so distressed, we struggle to regulate our feelings. We may lash out at others we care about, or use substances, gamble, or smoke – or do anything that distracts or numbs our intense emotional reaction and our physical pain. In short – seeing pain as something catastrophic and Bad, leaves us less choice over our actions when we’re feeling it.

The distress by our pain can even perpetuate our pain experience, making our perception to pain heightened.

Another way our problematic relationship with pain impacts our lives is a sense of isolation. Have you ever had the thought ‘No one has ever experienced pain like this before’? I have.

Many people who feel pain tend to also feel that they’re the only one going through that. Because we don’t talk about it, it seems like everyone else is living pain-free, which isn’t the case. This isolation can make us less likely to engage with others or in activities that will help us deal with the pain, or to live the meaningful life that we deserve. This is often exacerbated by real physical need to rest our hurting body parts, which often means we’re alone.

Ignoring the pain, something that many of us are told is a tough, cool, or even necessary thing to do, means that we actually end up trying to push it down. We spend a lot of energy blocking out pain signals from our body. This creates a lot of exhaustion and even dissociation.

The alternative

I was dissatisfied with the way my pain and I were relating to each other. I was tired of feeling angry, frustrated, and on the verge of tears when pain would flare up. I decided to Kultivate some alternatives – of more helpful ways to cope with pain.

Instead of seeing myself as a failure when I couldn’t walk, I gave myself permission to listen to my body. I changed the way I view mobility aids, and now see them as something to help me live the life I want, alongside my pain.

This is not to say that pain should be dismissed by ourselves or others – quite the contrary. Pain should be listened to, attended to, just like any other part of us. Acknowledging that we’re in pain, and giving ourselves kindness through it, can be our first step towards a better life.

We can also change the way we respond to others’ pains. Instead of viewing people as either ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’, we can understand that we all experience pain, at some points in our lives, albeit our differences. We can treat others who are in pain with kindness and empathy. Instead of letting pain get in the way of connection, we can embraec it as a connecting link.

Tips for getting started

Practical steps you can take towards Kultivating a better relationship with pain. Use this with a loved one or yourself:

Ask about pain – e.g. How’s your body been feeling lately?
Validate pain – e.g. That sounds painful
Ask how you can stay connected through the pain – e.g. Can we change our plans to still include you?
Ask what the person needs – e.g. What might help feel more grounded in this moment?

Practicing these steps with myself, and with people I care about, has helped me transform the way I experience pain. Now I sit down, focus on my breath, and listen to my pain like it is music. All I want is for there to be seating, so I can sit down and concentrate on the music – outside and within.

Liel Bridgford

Psychologist, Writer, Educator

Kultivate Founder & Director

Give back without spending a cent

[4 min read]

Many people ask me how they can make a difference to the lives of disabled people. Becoming a better ally to the disability community is something anyone can do. It doesn’t take a huge investment of time, money or effort. You can give back by carrying some of the weight of an ableist society – through educating yourself, making mindful choices and educating others.

We live in a society filled with ableism, which is the discrimination and marginalisation of people based on oppressive systems that abnormalises bodies and minds. In other words, ableism in the unjust discrimination and prejudice against disabled people. Ableism is universal, although it has distinct charachteristics in differing parts of the world, different classes, races and genders.

In order to dismantle ableism, we need to do active, deliberate work, which is often called advocacy. Doing this work comes with a burden, which is heavy. Most disability and justice advocates are disabled people themselves, although I believe that we are all responsible for carrying the burden of an ableist society, and to dismantle ableist systems and ideas. It is our human responsibility to take care of each other and make sure everyone can not only survive, but thrive in our communities.

To help carry this burden, here are a few things you can try to help disabled people in your community:

Educate yourself from disabled people themselves – about what it means to live with a disability, what kind of barriers we face every day – in attitudes, physical spaces, the medical system, in our social groups. You can do this through reading own voices books, blogs, articles, essays and social media content. Listen to music written and performed by disabled musicians. Watch movies and series written and/or produced by disabled people. Listen to a podcast hosted by disabled people. Search for disability stories wherever you get entertained.

Think of disability as the common, normal experience that it is. Commit to thinking from this lens when you interact with people.
Call out ableism – Think of access when you visit public places. Consider asking about accessibility before your visit any venue – and put your money into accessible venues. Ask yourself how accessible is your favorite coffee shop or your workplace, and speak up when you notice inaccessibility. You can do this by speaking with management of businesses, writing to your local government representative, or making a complaint.
Learn about and talk to family and friends about ableist slurs – notice when you use ableist slurs, and research alternatives to use.
Make your social media posts accessible – start with an image descriptions for your pics, captions for your video, and high colour contrasts for your text.
Check in with your disabled friends – ask about how they’re doing, and if you have capacity, ask about how you can help carry some of their burden. For example, you can offer to check if a venue is accessible before meeting, or do some research about support options they are seeking.

Liel Bridgford

Psychologist, Writer, Educator

Kultivate Founder & Director

I exercise sometimes, and that is OK

[3 min read]

At the moment my life is too busy, I can admit it. There are way more things that I want and need to do than time available to do them. One of those things that I both want and need to do is exercise. We all know its benefits for our physical and mental health, and for me it also helps my pain and stability.

But I cannot do as much exercise as I would like to do or probably should do. And I have decided it is ok. Giving myself slack is not easy, nor is it the same as giving up. Rather, deciding that what I manage to do is good enough, because there are other priorities in my life that also need attending to.

Last week for example I only managed to formally exercise twice: once in my clinical Pilates class and another late evening session at the gym. If you would ask ‘professionals’ or even google, you will undoubtedly find that this amount is insufficient. But I also am a person who requires a good amount of sleep to function, and my youngest is still awake at all hours. That means that often when the kids are finally in bed at about 8pm, I am usually too exhausted to do the exercises I should do.

Another important factor is that I also want to prioritise things I love doing such as writing, organising things in the house, spending time with my children, or speaking to a friend. With working and trying to finish the requirement for my psychology registration, with managing my business, with writing creatively, with connecting with communities, with keeping in touch with family overseas and playdates, there is not much time left to spare.

A few years ago two exercise sessions in a week would have become a source of self-criticism or even self-loathing. But nowadays I decide to use this as a lens through which to examine my life, to consider what is important to me, and to put aside expectations.

I did not exercise this weekend, but I spent time with my children, I visited a family member in pain, I ate good food, I laughed and I read beautiful words. I also rested, laughed and reminisced about beautiful happy memories. That is enough.

As we say in the disability community, rest is radical.

Liel Bridgford

Psychologist, Writer, Educator

Kultivate Founder & Director

How to avoid ableist slurs

[4 min read]

CW: ableist slurs, ableism, ignorance. Note: Slurs are censored throughout this post in respect to people who may be affected.

As a kid my classmates’ favourites slurs to use against me was crip*. This would be followed by a laugh from this kid, and sometimes those around him too.

An ableist slur is a word or a phrase used degradingly to exclude, marginalise and discriminate against disabled people.

Today I still hear many ableist slurs around me, most often used by people who are unaware of the impact this can have on us as disabled people. When any person hears derogatory language used about them or their characteristics, it is inevitable that they internalise such damaging beliefs, such as that they’re not good enough.

Why should you care?

Ableist slurs are one tool by which society deems different bodies and minds as subhuman, therefore leaving the power outside the hands of disabled people. Using ableist slurs reinforces the status quo of disabled people being marginalised, excluded, shamed and discriminated against in our society. Ableist slurs therefore, work to further disable people with bodily impairments, cognitive difference, or who are otherwise considered “nontypical.

Historically, people who have been labelled with words such as crip*, craz* or blind have been ostracised, abused, neglected and killed. Unfortunately, that still happens under our watch to disabled children and adults in Australia and beyond.

Almost one in five Australians live with a disability, many of these are invisible or dynamic, so you wouldn’t be able to tell simply by looking at a person. If you believe everyone deserves to develop a healthy sense of self and to be included in our society, then avoiding ableist slurs is a simple way to contribute.

How to avoid ableist slurs?

Ask yourself: Does this word relate to a bodily/cognitive/information processing or other impairment? Has this word been used as a negative description of something (an object, person, behaviour etc)? Has this word been historically used to shame or dehumanise people? What context am I using this word in? Would I use this word if a person with the associated impairment was in the room?
If in doubt, be cautious and choose an alternative word.
Learn from the disability community and other marginalised communities about what is considered a slur.
Find alternatives and practice using them – you can find a list of slurs and alternatives on the Austic Hoya blog here.
Reclaiming disability language is something only the disability community can do. Reclaiming happens when a marginalised group owns back a perviously degrading phrase and creates new meaning to it by purposefully using it. For instance, using the word “disabled” as a way to express one’s feeling of being disabled by society or affiliation with the disability community.
Ask instead of assume – research words you commonly use and check with the disability community and our resources if your language is considered ableist.
Reflect – if you think you may have used ableist language, reflect on your choice of words, apologise if you did, and commit to unlearning your biases.

Liel Bridgford

Psychologist, Writer, Educator

Kultivate Founder & Director

The Kultivate Story

When facilitating training I often say the medical model has failed disabled people. I know this not from textbooks, but from my own skin. The scars on my leg and psyche tell this story.

For most of my life, like so many other disabled people, I have been fighting to get appropriate healthcare. I went through a full 18 operations before my 17th birthday, to which I consented to none. I’m here to change the way we think about healthcare for disabled people.

I founded Kultivate to provide wellbeing support and education that is based on disability justice, and uses an anti-oppression approach. This means we prioritise our clients experiences, needs and goals. It also means working to unlearn our biases and relearn in order to work in a way that tackles discrimination and biases in our systems.

I can’t promise to always get it right, but I guarantee I will continue to learn and improve every day.

Working alongside fellow disabled adults on their mental health and overall wellbeing is a privilege and my passion. It is my small way of helping disabled people live their best life.

When I was a kid I had often thought that I was the only one who felt like I did – different, excluded, sad about not fitting in. Now I get to be there for other disabled people, be a part of a disabled community and practise my allyship as a psychologist. Every. Single. Day.

That’s why I have launched Kultivate. Kultivate’s purpose is to provide wellbeing, equity and inclusion support and education that is lived-experience based and rooted in disability justice and an anti-oppression approach.

This means in Kultivate, we centre the voices and experiences of disabled and multiple marginalised people. All my clients are the experts in their life and body, and I’m here to help.

My hope is that Kultivate will become the place any person who wants to Kultivate wellbeing, inclusion, and equity can go to. Kultivate will be the place where disabled people are safe because their voices, goals, and needs are our top priority. We honour that because disabled safety and wellbeing, and equitable healthcare is something everybody deserves.

If you are a disabled person seeking support for your social and emotional wellbeing, mental health support, or peer and creative support, please reach out to us. We currently offer psychological therapy and peer support and education groups. If there is something you’re after and we don’t yet offer it, please also let us know. We aim to grow to meet your needs.

If you are a professional working with disabled people, check out our online educational content, and our training and workshops we can tailor to your organisation’s needs.

With gratitude to the disability community, my friends and family, who have helped me get here.

Liel Bridgford

Psychologist, Writer, Educator

Kultivate Founder & Director